Dear Vaughn,

My dearest Vaughn,

I can write this letter solely to you because you're my baby, and Greyson will understand because he has four years worth of frequent posts and pictures to document his early life.  You, Vaughn, have fewer.  But I think you'll understand, because you're sweet like that - already.  You're sweet enough to giggle to yourself in your crib in the middle of the night.  You smile at almost everything your brother does.  The only time you don't smile is when you look concerned because he's crying.  You tolerate his loudness, his roughness, his goofiness.  You seem to understand that it's all for you, he just wants to make you happy.

I'm crying at my desk today because I was thinking about how you've changed in a week.  You haven't changed a lot, you're not a new baby, but there's this one tiny thing that's making me cry.  For the first week of daycare, when I dropped you off you would lean over to the teachers with a smile and happily go into their arms, just as you would with any other stranger.  You are my sweet and friendly baby, no signs of stranger anxiety yet, no clinging to mommy.  But this week, this week you've changed a little.  You don't cry, you don't cling, but you don't always go happily.  I have to turn you around in my arms and offer you to the teacher.  And that makes me cry, that simple little change.  I want you to be happy to go, to assume that I'll be there when you need me.  You dad tells me that when he picks you up, you wiggle and smile, and can't wait to be in his arms.  You greet me like that each evening, hungry to be in my arms and snuggle as much as you are hungry to nurse.

I know this is normal, I know I would be emotionless were I not to feel this way.  But it's enough right now to make me want to quit my job.  To stay home with my smiling boy, to enjoy you all day every day.  I made the mistake of telling your dad that just now and he supported my decision, which makes it even harder for me to stay at work each day while you're in someone else's arms.

I'll leave it at that for today.  I have so much to tell you about yourself at 7 months - the brand new tooth, the sweet and goofy smiles, the rocking on all fours, you're almost there!  For now, know that I want you and need you as much as you need me.

All my love,
Your Mama

Six Months, Four Years

I'm having an early lunch while Vaughn naps today.  Greyson's at school and I'm home with the baby, watching the big trucks work on re-paving the streets in my neighborhood.  Wish Grey could be here to see it.  I've been working on my to-do list this morning, not accomplishing anything, but feeling better for writing down everything I have to do.  I work most of next week and the following week, so I feel like I have to prepare the house, prepare the family for my absence from the home those weeks.  I don't get a LOT done when I'm home with Vaughn, but I get nothing done when I'm not here!

My to-do list is long, and the days are getting shorter.  When I work, it's dark by the time I pick up Greyson.  The year is winding down, and so is my time at home with Vaughn.  It's bittersweet, because I am looking forward to rejoining the real world - but I will miss him so much when I'm working full time again.  I have absolutely loved working half time and I would do it forever if I could. Alas, tomorrow I go to V's prospective daycare and pick up a registration packet.  He'll be in a safe place and he'll be there less than 8 hours each day, but it will be hard.  Not only will I miss him, but my days will be long, dropping off babies, getting to work, picking up Greyson and getting home in time to make dinner, do baths, and get into bed.  I anticipate a long 6 months of this routine, and then things may change a bit.  I can handle just about anything for 6 months, right?

Speaking of 6 months, Vaughn has reached that momentous age, and looking back I enjoyed re-reading Greyson's six month blog posts.  It really is an age when you're on the verge of so much... about to get teeth, starting solid foods, getting so mobile, babbling away.  At the pediatrician on Tuesday, Vaughn weighed a full 2 pounds less than Greyson at that age.  It did give the doctor pause, but not concern - yet.  We'll keep and eye on that at his next appointment, but that's not until he's 9 months!  Ah, another thing to add to my to-do list, make that appointment.

Greyson was eager to see Dr. Trout this year, and to tell her how much Vaughn laughs at him and looks at him.  She reminded him of the responsibilities of being a big brother.  Greyson is so ready for the holidays this year, and he remembers last Christmas well.  I'm going to make him an advent calendar today, a countdown to christmas, since he asks everyday if today is the big day.  Grey had a great 4th birthday party at his favorite park, and he's so proud to be Four Years Old.  He's doing well at school, when he's not getting in trouble.  He's one of their best eaters, but only if they're having something he likes.  On spaghetti, hot dog, or ravioli day he goes hungry unless we send a turkey sandwich!

Well, perhaps I should try to accomplish something on that list of mine.  Add blogging to the list and now it's even longer.  At least my holiday to-do list has an expiration date.  Once January rolls around I'm back to work, back to reality, and back to the grind. 

Happy Holidays!

Dear Vaughn

If I had known you were going to have a 2+ hour nap today, I would have had a shower and an elaborate lunch.  You, of the catnaps lately.  You've kept me on my toes, napping for 15, 30, 45 minutes max lately.  Enough time to grab a quick lunch and put my feet up for a few precious moments before hearing your familiar ak-ak call, crying out to me.  I have tried to coax you back to slumber, assuring you that 20 minutes is not enough time for your mid-day nap.  I have walked and rocked and pacified to no avail.  I have held you in my arms, or nursed you to slumber on the boppy, but nothing kept you dreaming for long.  Today your morning nap was about an hour, and I'm sitting here 135 minutes after your mid-day nap started, wondering when you'll call.  I can only assume you'll be in a good mood after such a restful afternoon, right?  There you are, I can't wait to see your smile.

October 24

In addition to being Zambian Independence Day, today is also apparently poop while not wearing a diaper day.  It's only 10:30 and we've already had two incidents.  One on the changing pad while awaiting a freshie (to Greyson's delight), one in the bathtub.  Gag.  Motherhood is truly wonderful. 

Vaughn at Four Months

Vaughn rolled over today.  This morning I told him he would do it today, and he tried all morning and finally did it early this afternoon.  At least this little boy listens to his mama.  He also figured out how to make the motorboat sound today (no, he did not motorboat ME, he just motorboated... the air).  Earlier this week I was reading back a few years in ye olde blog and noted that Greyson had already rolled over at this age.  But he was still struggling to master the motorboat.  It's really handy to look back and see when G did things, because it helps me anticipate when V will do them.  But I also find myself comparing... something mom's are notorious for, something I try to avoid (even if it is my own two children). 


I mean, comparing's alright, I have been comparing these two since they day Vaughn was born.  But the judgement that comes along with the comparison is hard to avoid.  G rolled over earlier, he was more advanced.  Vaughn laughed a little earlier (in the mirror at Jo & Pops house on our vacation), he has a better sense of humor ;-)


I have an obsession with remembering.  I wish I was like Marilu Henner and could remember everything.  I'm afraid to forget, something I have to remind myself is natural.  If I don't remember, how will it hurt me?  I'm just afraid of letting go of the memories.  So I should just be thankful everyday that I have hundreds of photos and videos of Vaughn, even if it's less than I have of Greyson.  I should remind myself to record the important things, and even the everyday things here, so that I can enjoy the memories in the future.  But if I never remember the exact day that Greyson first waved (at our garage sale, I think), or the moment that Vaughn discovered his hands?  I hope I'll still live a happy and fulfilled life.

Baby Hands

For literally months, I've been composing a post about Vaughn's hands.  If only you could read the blog posts in my mind!  


Vaughn was born with long, thin, delicate fingernails.  You can see them in some of his newborn photos.  I had to trim them almost immediately and of course I ended up trimming his finger too.  I've never been great with baby nails.  Which is worse, him scratching his own face, or me nicking his fingers when I trim the nails?

check out those fingernails!

I still struggle with his nails, which need trimming weekly, but so far he's pretty cooperative.  Greyson even lets me trim his nails these days, which is a huge improvement since he fought me for most of his toddler years.


A few months ago I found myself googling infant fists, and trying to remember when they loosen up.  These are the little things you forget about babies... how they keep those fists so tightly balled up for months.  I was giving Vaughn a bath and opened up a fist to clean inside, where I found a little sweaty ball of lint.  

It's a fun stage, when you can put rattles and objects in baby's grasp and they hang on tightly.  One morning on the way to Grey's summer camp, I was delighted to see Vaughn in his carseat finally reaching out for a toy (not a toy actually but some of those links that you hang toys on).  It was one of the first things he did after just being just a little blob of a baby for so long.  I was excited because that meant he could start to entertain himself, but seconds later I heard him fussing and crying.  At the next stoplight I turned around and realized he had gotten his whole hand stuck in the plastic ring and was frustrated that he couldn't get his arm back!


Now that he's more than 3 1/2 months old, Vaughn's grabbing things and starting to stuff them into his mouth.  Especially his burp cloths, these days they're usually dripping with his drool.  He's also discovered his hands belong to him, and loves to stare at them and coo to them.  If he gets loose from his swaddle overnight I sometimes find him talking to them contentedly in the morning, turning them over and exploring each side.

I trimmed his fingernails successfully this morning, no finger snips and no tears.  I can't wait to see what he does with his hands next.

Is he a good baby?

Someone asked me that the other day and it struck me as odd.  Even odder was my response.  I paused... and started in on my "we make fussy babies" speech.  Later it dawned on me.  Of course he's a good baby.  Are there really bad babies?  And over the past month or two, since spending some time at my parents' house and really figuring out his rhythm, he's become a great baby.  Only it's not Vaughn that has changed, it's me!  I've learned his cues, watched his patterns emerge, realized he needs a little help to settle down for a nap, perfected the swaddle.


So instead of asking someone if their baby is good, maybe ask if they've figured each other out yet.  Because I've finally got this boy's number, and it's made all the difference.  I feel like a good mommy.


Makes me wonder if it just took me longer to get to know Greyson, being new at the whole motherhood thing.  Or maybe my memory is flawed and we had settled into things by this stage, too.  I'm just thankful I've learned so much in the 3 1/2 months since I met Vaughn.  We make quite a team.